I'm Just Mad

I don't know if it's mad, or confused, or what... or some combination of both? But I'm mad. And I'm hurt, too, I think.

I feel like... there's never any consequences. I try to play things as by the book as I can... and she never gets any consequences. She can just have her characters do whatever the hell she wants, and it's everyone elses characters that pay the consequences. Phoebe died. Lily died. Benjamin might lose his job. Ferlen might get put in jail. Benjamin might break things off with Mary. But Teresa keeps going. Mary is fine. So far, of everything that's happened, only Ashley has paid any kind of price, and she did it to herself-- she killed herself. No consequences for her. It's everyone else.

And maybe I'm looking at things selfishly. I know that I've always expected everyone to hold the same level of maturity as I do... and she's only 18, and I should remember that. But I feel like Bond and I sacrifice so damn much for her, and her characters and I don't think she sees that ever. We just continuously bend to her will, and everything works out fine for her, and I'm starting to resent it.

I put so much effort into Benry. I RPed them even when I didn't see the point in an RP. I got invested in them... in the end? I think it might end. And I hate that. We built up so much. We built them a house, and we had this life for them together, and in the end, I think it will all be for nothing. I just... I don't see how it can be saved? And if it is saved... I don't think it will be very... realistic. Maybe with time? I don't see them getting married this Friday OOC.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M SO PISSED OFF. These are fictional characters. They aren't real. None of this is! So why does it effect me so much? It shouldn't. Maybe I should take a wiki break. But I feel like I can't. I've got too much going on. Too many plotlines that would dissolve if I stepped back for even as much as a week. And I can't step back from teaching for a week when I harp on everyone to post in their classes all the time.

RIP Benry? I don't know. I'm just starting to feel... strangled. And I don't know if it's by her... or the situation... or what. But I'm starting to feel like there's no way out, and that no one who should be accepting responsibility (IC or OOC) is accepting it, so the blame is getting placed other places, and that's really what pisses me off. ACCEPT YOUR DAMN RESPONSIBILITY. TAKE THE CONSEQUENCES. YOU DON'T GET THE SHINY ROAD EVERY TIME. AND NOT EVERYONE GETS TO BEND TO YOUR WILL, AND LET THEIR CHARACTERS TAKE THE FALL FOR YOU. OWN UP.

sigh....